I do not do this much, but I was inspired by an amazing 16 year old photographer, and thought I had something to learn from trying. I am sharing not because I think my images are good, but because I think I have some growth ahead.
What I learned. I am definitely not 16 anymore. And in my head I still see myself that way. It actually triggered me a bit. I do not like images of myself anymore. I miss aspects of who I once was. Where did she go??
I felt very awkward in front of the camera. I was stiff and had no idea how to pose myself.
I do not even know how to properly take pictures of myself. You can see I was using my phone as my shutter release/remote for my camera and it looks very amateur.
I find myself wondering if I am a “has been” and it hurts. Where did my youth go? I also think that I am very often invisible. I think I have always had this tendency of being quiet/invisible, but now that I am middle aged, this is even more the case than ever. (even this post may go unnoticed, invisible) Middle aged, a mom, not thin, like the best of what I was going to do and be has passed. My window has passed. Maybe this is not true, but it “feels like it is true.” If I have not reached my potential by now, it is only going downhill from here. I thought I’d be farther along by now. I put myself on pause to raise my children which I do not regret for a moment, but suddenly I am realizing now that 13 years have passed and I’m suddenly old. I didn’t expect that for some reason. Duh…
So, maybe there is something to learn from trying this again. How can I accept myself for who I am now at 43? As much as it hurts me today to see my images, I think I will push through this and find out how to heal this part of myself that hurts today and attempt to find ways to accept myself.